His Cook: Unfortunate
by StarkBlack
Summary: Bard gets an eye-full of something he really didn't want to see.


After watching the latest episode, I felt I needed to write some butlerxearl… stuff. I'm not quite ready to dive right into the shota yet, but the characters are JUST SO TEMPTING!! So I compromised and had there be a third party. Nothing wrong with a little voyeurism is there? xD I really like the rest of the house staff, so even though all my Kuroshitsuji fics will probably be SebastianxCeil, I will have the fantastic four playing important roles in the stories. Hope you all enjoy. xD

**His Cook: Unfortunate**

Bard sat, leaning against the wall, inhaling the bittersweet smoke of a freshly lit cigarette. His hand hurt, his side hurt. The charred skin underneath the bandages prickled and stung as his raised his fingers to his lips and plucked the stick from his mouth. His ribs were surely broken, Finian's flailing had sent a cabinet flying into his side, and if it hadn't been for Sebastian…

The cook sighed, it was always Sebastian coming to the rescue. Sebastian making everything right, Sebastian cleaning up after the rest of the household staff. Sebastian, Sebastian, Sebastian!

Feeling sorry for himself, Bard took another drag and let it out slowly, watching the smoke swirl around his head and disappear into the darkness of the hallway. He did not dislike the butler, no. In fact he admired Sebastian for his strength, his intelligence, and his ability to stay calm and focused in any sort of situation.

There was also the fact that the butler knew how to do _everything_, and do it well. Sometimes the cook wondered if the tall, intimidating man was even human…

The sound of a nearby door opening startled the blond and he pulled his legs in closer to his chest. He knew he could not be seen where he sat, but he took no chances. He was tired and sore and just wanted to smoke in peace. He held his cigarette between his fingers and kept his hand down by his side, out of sight. Giving himself away by the smoldering end of his smoke would just be ridiculous.

"Never mind that, Sebastian," the young earl's voice floated down the hallway. "We have other, more important matters to discuss, and I want time for tea and cards before dinner."

"Yes, my Lord," Sebastian replied.

Bard could not help but shiver at the older man's tone. Sebastian's voice always took on a strange timbre when talking alone with Ciel. The cook had overheard them on occasion when hiding from the rest of the staff, smoking in one corner or another. The relationship between his master and the mysterious butler had interested Bard from the moment he had come to the Phantomhive estate.

Pulling another cigarette from his pack and lighting up with the remainder of the first, Bard settled in and listened to the hushed voices as the two made their way down the hall. They talked of politics and messages to the Queen; nothing of any interest to the cook. He leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes, hoping the earl and his dog would disappear soon so he could stretch out once again.

"Sebastian!" Ciel whispered harshly, "Not here! What are you thinking! Someone might see!"

Bard's eyes snapped open, his interest suddenly peaking. He turned to look down the hallway and was met with a most peculiar and disturbing scene.

Sebastian loomed over the boy, one arm braced on the wall above Ciel's head, while the other held his master's small hip. The butler's lips were inches from Ciel's, a position that would have had Bard pissing in his pants, but the earl glared defiantly back into the eyes of the larger man.

"Did I command this, Sebastian?" Ciel's tone was cold.

"Nay, my Lord," Sebastian replied. "But if you do not wish it, then you must not look at me with that expression."

Ciel scoffed. "What expression? This is the same face I give to you every day."

"Ah, my Lord, but if I could not differentiate between your subtle expressions, I would not be worthy of my title as Butler to the Earl of Phantomhive."

As he spoke, Sebastian's mouth trailed down the pale skin of Ciel's neck. The boy's visible eye closed and he tilted his head back ever so slightly. Sebastian's free hand moved to the earl's opposite hip and pressed Ciel harder against the wall. The butler's face had moved out of Bard's line of sight, but whatever he was doing to the younger man's throat, it caused Ceil's mouth to fall open and a soft 'Ah…' fell from the boy's lips.

Sebastian chuckled softly and nuzzled further into the soft flesh hidden behind blue fabric and crisp, white ruffles.

"And I am one _hell_ of a butler…"

Bard was shocked into immobility. His cigarette burned between his fingers, forgotten as he watched the obscene display happening not even thirty feet from where he was hiding. Sebastian pushed and stroked and caressed as Ciel's breathing became harsh. The earl's soft and melodic hums filled the hallway and the cook felt his cheeks ignite as embarrassment and panic took over his senses.

Sebastian raised his head and grinned a malicious and evil grin, his eyes shining in the dim light. His teeth stood out starkly against the grey pallor of his skin.

"My Lord, Ciel. I am your butler to command as you wish. Tell me what it is you desire."

Bard was not a brave man, but neither was he a coward. Sebastian scared the living daylights out of him, but that did not stop the cook from realizing that this was wrong. Poor master was being manipulated by this evil man! This devil of a butler! Who knew that Sebastian was a pervert!? A child molester and traitor to Her Majesty and Her loyal subjects! He needed to stop this! He needed to save his master!

Just as Bard's legs started to straighten, just as his hands braced on the floor to lift himself to standing, Ciel's eye opened and his gaze fixed again on his butler.

What happened next, was forever burned into Bard's memory. The cook would lose many hours of sleep over these events, and no amount of prayer to whatever God he served would ever make him feel cleansed.

Ciel's small hands came up slowly to wrap around Sebastian's neck. The butler's eyes flashed red and his smile grew impossibly wide.

"You know what it is I desire, Sebastian," the earl growled.

"Tell me, Master." Sebastian's voice had lowered to a whisper. His lips had returned to being only a hair's breath away from the younger man's.

Ciel's right hand slid up into the butler's hair and yanked hard, pulling Sebastian's head back violently. He maneuvered the larger man until the butler's knees hit the floor, then roughly pushed Sebastian's head down until his red eyes were level with the earl's belt.

"Do what I showed you last night, Sebastian." Ciel commanded in a cold, malevolent tone. "Do it like I said. Do not make me beat you again."

Bard heard Sebastian's moan, saw the butler undo the belt and buttons of Ciel's trousers, and turned his head away before it would be impossible not to. He shot to his feet and as quickly but as silently as he could, he moved away from the earl and his butler, down the hallway, and through the small service door leading to the kitchen. His heart pounded in his throat, his limbs shook as he moved through the dish washing area and into the prep room.

_Mother of God!_ The cook thought to himself. _Master Ciel is just as much of a pervert as Sebastian! Maybe even more so! It looked like the whole thing was his idea!_

The cook pulled out a third cigarette and lit the tip with a trembling hand. He breathed in deeply, hoping the nicotine would do something to settle his nerves.

_I can't say anything,_ he concluded. _I won't say a word. I'll pretend like it never happened, go about my business as usual, and pray that Sebastian doesn't notice anything._

The cook moved to the supply room and sat on a large, wooden crate. He picked up the paring knife he had left there only an hour before and returned to his duty of peeling the potatoes for dinner. He dove headfirst into his work, trying hard to forget what he had seen, what he had overheard.

An immeasurable amount of time and two hundred potatoes later, Finian stuck his head into the supply room and smiled sweetly at the larger man.

"How are you feeling, Bard?" He asked, his pointer finger tapping lightly on his chin.

"Uh," Bard stammered, not sure how to reply. "Fine, I guess."

"I'm sorry for earlier," the gardener hung his head and stepped through the doorway.

Bard shrugged, the incident with the cabinet from earlier all but forgotten. "It's fine, Finny, don't worry about it. Doesn't even hurt anymore."

Finian's smile was like sunshine, and Bard felt the tension in his gut easing. He set down his knife and stood, stretching his arms over his head, and rolling the stiffness out of his shoulders.

"Come on," Bard clapped Finian on the back, "Let's go outside for a little while. Fresh air will do me some good."

Finian agreed, dancing out of the kitchen to grab his coat and sprint out the door. Bard followed, running a hand over his face and rubbing the back of his neck absently.

"Today turned out to be wonderful, didn't it?" Finian smiled softly up at the sky.

"Hm?" Bard asked as he lit up. "How so?"

"Well, Master was in a very bad mood this morning. He was snapping at everything and everyone, and he didn't eat anything at lunch. But then Sebastian took him away for a while, said he needed some exercise." The boy folded his hands behind his head and grinned. "I just saw Master a few minutes ago! He was looking much better! He was having tea and Sebastian was talking to him and smiling! Sebastian really is amazing, isn't he?"

Bard coughed. "Uh… yeah… sure."

Finian laughed and headed down the stone steps leading to the courtyard. "I hope someday I can be like Sebastian."

Bard held his tongue and followed his friend. This would be his first challenge in not saying anything. He would go about business as usual, and never ever mention the things he saw his master doing in the hallway with the butler, no matter how scary or intimidating Sebastian got. If he suspected anything, Bard would not give anything away.

The Master and his devil butler were not the only ones in the house that could keep a secret.

**END **


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